1) Some legal name modifications
Bald Fraudiola has been named manager of Manchequebook City at the Emptihad Stadium. It must be. Take a step forward. Own it. When a journalist asks about the allegations during a news conference, just say, “I’m so thrilled, more than you believe,” followed by a deep soulful gaze. Make Manuel Akanji the club’s official accountant and Scott Carson the CEO. Continue to outperform all other teams in terms of revenue. Increase your bet. Accept the £10 million punishment and move on, you cowards.
2) All Carabao must be returned.
While the general attention remains on the fate of the Premier League trophies Manchester City won during the inquiry period, the Carabao Cups they drank throughout that nine years are of considerably more worry. Sunderland, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, Aston Villa, and Tottenham were all defeated at Wembley in Manuel Pellegrini’s and later Guardiola’s persistent chase of the famed energy drink, but the only logical remedy is to confiscate it. Nobody wants their Mango Burst or Orange Blast polluted, and this entire terrible episode has plunged the noble, renowned name of Carabao into awful contempt.
3) Guardiola can only play a basic 4-4-2 with every player in their normal place in Champions League knockout games.
Overthink it, you moron. It’s certainly more of a blessing than a punishment, but nonetheless.
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4) Guardiola is barred from arguing with any of his players for the duration of the season
And his starting lineup must include guys with whom he has previously argued before banishing and subsequently selling. Joe Hart; Danilo, Jason Denayer, Joao Cancelo; Jadon Sancho, Yaya Toure, Samir Nasri, Raheem Sterling; Wilfried Bony had the makings of a formidable team before introducing the clearly irritated Haaland and Bernardo Silva.
5) Pep Guardiola is compelled to stay through the relegations.
“I’ll be here in whatever league we’re in. I’ll remain here even if we’re relegated to League Two. “This is a moment for unity,” Pep Guardiola is said to have addressed his Manchester City players as UEFA attempted to impose its own FFP fines in February 2020. When a possible Champions League suspension was rejected in July, he stated publicly, “My personal situation was apparent. I indicated a month ago that I would remain regardless of whether we were in the Champions League or, as many people in England predicted, League Two. “I would have remained.”
It’s time to test if Guardiola keeps his word. The Spaniard must square up against Steve Evans on the touchline, create a strategy to stop fourth-tier stalwart Jamille Matt, brave the cuisine at Priestfield Stadium, and rejoice as the ball passes through the hole in the Bishop Street Stand at Mansfield. It’s the only way to put things right.
6) A permanent prohibition on selecting Vincent Kompany as manager.
The environment has shifted since Guardiola’s replacement was last discussed. Since the Spaniard signed a two-year contract extension in November, there has been little point in examining the possibilities open to Manchester City, with Mauricio Pochettino regarded among the leaders of the most recent prospects. That will no longer be the case with Vincent Kompany patrolling the Turf Moor touchline. The Belgian has wisely avoided the Gerrard trap of pointing the way to his holy managerial grail by signing a Burnley contract that does not expire at the same time as Guardiola’s, but it is only a matter of time before he is given the apprenticeship treatment, and only appropriate sanctions can prevent the inevitable.
7) Jose Mourinho receives an hour-long uninterrupted news conference to commemorate his greatest success.
The brightest coin for Jose Mourinho, who has already regarded finishing a distant second with Manchester United, all of 19 points behind The Centurions in 2018, as one of his best career achievements. The Portuguese is untouched by the controversy in his current capacity as Roma chases Champions League qualifying, but only a fool would expect him to keep mute on the topic for very long. Gary Cotterill has almost certainly already traveled over to the Italian city to catch Mourinho demanding respect while throwing up four fingers to symbolise each of his hard-fought Premier League victories and demands Luke Shaw be removed of his medal before he is even granted it.
8) Manchester City must play former championship rivals in a one-off game. winner take all games.
Sky Sports News explained the power of the independent commission to which the Premier League has referred the alleged Manchester City breaches, stating that the club could be suspended from playing league matches, have points deducted, be expelled, be ordered to pay compensation, and have player registrations cancelled. The commission was given the authority to’ make such other order as it considers fit,’ thereby rendering the rest of the list obsolete, but the most intriguing penalty went unmentioned: ‘recommend to the board that league matches be replayed.’
Am I a Premier League champion ?
— Lucas Leiva (@LucasLeiva87) February 6, 2023That can only mean one thing: Manchester City must play one-off matches against the clubs they defeated to win the Premier League trophy to determine the overall winner of that season’s title campaign. Phil Jones will once again battle for justice in 2011/12. Aly Cissokho, Iago Aspas, and Joe Allen all return to Liverpool for one more shot at stealing the 2013/14 Premier League title from Steven Gerrard. And…
9) Manchester City must return to its pre-charge squad.
Another prerequisite is that the band be reformed. The default option here is Manchester City, who ran under Thaksin Shinawatra’s spotless ownership, and the current team must be replaced with the crop of 2008/09. It means that Micah Richards and Nedum Onuoha’s formidable punditry careers are on pause, Stephen Ireland is welcomed back with open arms, Darius Vassell returns to a greeting reminiscent of his Ankaragucu days, and Felipe Caicedo reclaims his title as the Premier League’s finest Caicedo. Shaun Wright-Phillips and Elano are still viable options, and Vladimir Weiss and Daniel Sturridge are still just 33. That team ends in mid-table at best, but losing manager Mark Hughes at this point is a huge blow for promotion-chasing Bradford. These are the rules.
10) Everyone gets to play a game with Erling Haaland.
The allegations may date from 2009 to 2018, but Manchester City’s financial wrongdoing continued well beyond 2022 with the £213 million signing of Erling Haaland. It’s only fair that each Premier League side now has the opportunity to borrow him for a game. The Norwegian must spend the rest of the season testing Chelsea’s striker curse, monitoring Jamie Vardy’s intravenous Red Bull infusion, practicing with Diego Costa, and being made to wear a Chris Wood mask by a lusty Sean Dyche.
